synthetic pillows all over the place. We got up off the floor and the
dark-haired American found his shirt covered with the remnants of a
Mekong and Coke.
He tore off his shirt and yelled: “I’ve got to change my shirt…”
then ran out of the bar, “…before my shirt changes me!”
We laughed and followed him out onto the beach. As I was
stepping out of the bar I looked back for an instant, but the eyes were
no longer there.
Everything was great for a while. We danced and ran down the
beach and even went swimming for a bit. Then, at one point I found
myself staring at the sky and into the virtual nothingness of endless
space. It was very bright from the waxing moon, and I could just
make out the horizon of sea meeting sky. Then I saw only boundless
entropy. When I tried to focus on the sky I felt suddenly blind, as if
someone had pulled a curtain in front of me. Try as I could, there was
nothing but a blue-black void. I suddenly felt as if there was some
hidden profundity behind what I was seeing. Truthfully, there was so
much out there in that void, but I was unable to perceive it. Millions
of immense planets and stars and asteroids, and God knew what else.
But compared with the vast space between them, there was nothing.
I was going to die. I was to be hurled into that vast unknown
with nothing familiar to protect me. I would be torn apart and
discarded, or reassembled. And perhaps I would suffer unspeakable
torture in the hands of a malevolent God. And whatever the case,
there would be no options or alternatives, and most importantly—no
freedom. I was at the mercy of the great beyond, and in a bitterly
tangible period of time I was to be flung through that infinity curtain
that protected me from nothingness. My time was running out, and
it occurred to me suddenly that I was probably facilitating my demise
by living in this indulgent, toxic squalor. Terrified, I started running
down the beach. I tried to find my friends, but they were gone. I
became frantic. In the crowd of one of the pubs I thought I saw a tall,
hooded figure wearing black. Looking again, it was gone. Suddenly I
heard someone scream, and I realized that it was me. I started to run
as fast as I could. People around me gaped. Birds flew directly over
my head. Scavengers? My heart beat dangerously fast and I could
hear it tear inside my chest. I ran to the end of the beach and
collapsed in the sand, sobbing “not yet, not yet” over and over until
my heart stopped racing and my tears stopped falling and my body
went limp, and I passed out.
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
98
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