Oliver Benjamin
water from the sink. At the zenith of mayhem, Colin put his lighter
next to the smoke detector and the sprinklers came on, soaking
everyone and everything to the point where they rolled around on the
floor in infantile bliss. There were spontaneous outbreaks of romance
and glee, shirtlessness and laughter.
When the battle died down, Roy led everyone through his house
and down to the ocean for a swim. He was not troubled about any
damage to the room—to see so many happy people in his place, that
was a true measure of success.
By the time the fire department arrived, only Colin and the
magazine interviewer were still there, drinking yeast excrement from
a coffee-stained bottle.
“This place is a disaster,” the fireman said.
“No shit,” replied the drunk interviewer.
“Say, fireguy,” Colin said. “Any chance we can get you to hook up
one of those big hoses? Methinks the war’s not over.”
“Fire is not a joke, son,” the fireman said, “Fire is deadly serious.”
Colin thought for a moment. “So by extrapolation, water is
hilarious?”
“I’ll drink to that,” the magazine interviewer said, drinking to
that. He poured himself and Colin another round of liquid
amusement.
The fireman had just radioed back that everything was under
control.
“Hey captain, my captain,” Colin called over to him, “how about
a mug of firewater?”
“Firewater?” the writer cried out, “Ha ha! Fire! Water!” He
noticed the irony implicit in alcohol for the first time.
“I don’t drink on the job,” said the fireman.
“Of course not, my yellow-clad chum. I meant a cup of hot coffee.
Fire up those synapses.”
The fireman declined the offer and turned to leave. “By the way,”
he added, “This low doorway is a fire hazard. You’re going to have to
fix it.”
“The doorway is fine. It’s the ground that’s too high. We plan to
dig it pretty soon. Dig?”
Colin’s flippancy infuriated the fireman. You couldn’t very well
wage a war against fire if no one feared the enemy. “I think it’s you
that’s too high,” he warned, “The higher they are, the harder they fall.
I recommend you sober up and get serious here.”
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