CHAPTER 2
Awaking from my snooze aboard the flight into Ireland, I found
myself in a disastrous predicament. We were coming in too fast. We
were definitely coming in too fast. I began to panic, and all at once
tried to decide whether or not to inform the flight crew that we
probably should get in the crash position. I quickly scanned the faces
of the passengers in my area of the plane. They looked calm! The
fools! If they would just look out the window they’d see a guy in a
hooded black robe standing on the runway waving the little pink
flashlights of death. Too great an impact and the landing gear would
be crushed, leaving the plane to slide uncontrolled down the runway
and into the terminal or another plane. Even without any secondary
impact, the tonnage of spilled fuel would be enough to ignite a city
block. I was too scared to speak—so I screamed. Then, as the plane
met the runway at five times the intended impact, an orange fire
billowed around us, filling my field of vision and burning my eyes.
“Sorry to frighten you, Sir, but the plane has landed. The
passengers are all disembarking now. Welcome to Dublin!”
In looking around at all the smug chuckling of the passengers, I
realized that I had been dreaming, and that only my scream had been
real. The pretty Irish Airlines stewardess looked at me
compassionately.
“Are you all right, Sir?” she asked me sweetly. The curly bright-
orange hair framed her face like halos on religious people in old
paintings where everyone’s head is too small. She wore a ridiculous
leprechaun-inspired outfit.
I gave her the thumbs up sign. “Top of the morning,” I said.
“And the rest of the day to you, sir!” she answered and moved
on.
I grabbed my flight bag and shuffled to the front of the plane
along with the others. Everyone was glancing excitedly at one
another, as if we were all poised to cross some portentous Rubicon.
As seemed to be the case in most planes full of disembarking
passengers, the tangled sense of purpose and relief in the air carried
a note of camaraderie—as if our deliverance was a product of
exceptional teamwork.
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
20
 |
 |
 |
 |