awoke someone had taken my bag. An old woman named Madge I
think.”
“Your girlfriend is an old woman named Madge?” he asked.
“No, his grandmother,” interjected the bartender.
“She’s notmy grandmother!” I barked.
It was hopeless. As the security guards laughed and took nips of
Irish whiskey from the bar, I snatched my backpack and ran through
the airport, looking for Charly and Madge.
An hour later, I sat outside the airport, dejected and frustrated.
And hung over. Charly would be furious, if I ever found her, and
what’s more, the carry-on baggage contained the ring I had bought
for her. As a temporary solution, I tried to buy another ring from the
duty-free shop, but all they had was a tacky gold band with a stupid
four-leaf clover on it. It was the last one, the lady said. Lucky.
Suddenly, I remembered the clover pin the man in the
bathroom gave me, and decided to call the number on the back on the
off-chance that the airline could help me.
As I waited to be taken off hold, I attached the pin to my
backpack. After a minute, a female voice answered.
“Hello, Irish Airlines security department. Can we help you?”
“Hi, I just got off flight number 334IA and after I got off my
flight a man asked me if I had seen anything suspicious…”
“Yes?” the woman sounded excited.
“Well,” I continued, “There was an older lady next to me who
was acting strangely, and I think she stole my bag and an expensive
ring.”
“Did she brandish a gun or weapon of any kind?” said the voice.
“No.”
“Did she have any drugs or paramilitary propaganda?”
“No.”
“Did she have any clay-like substance that looked like plastic
explosives?”
I couldn’t help thinking that her whole body looked like a clay-
like substance, but I said, “No.”
“Well, thank you sir, but she doesn’t seem to fit our description.”
“But she fits my description—the description of a jewelry thief!
Can you help me out? That ring meant a lot to me.”
“Well, I’ll make a note of it, sir, but we specialize in paramilitary
uprisings. Its too bad you weren’t flying Parisian Air. They have a
wonderful security department that specializes in jewelry heists.
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
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