life I was going to feel this way, but it was enough for me. I untied my
boots and placed them on the sand. Then I stripped off all of my
clothes and slowly entered the surf. I was glad it was warm, because
I really hated going into cold water: it made the tops of my feet hurt.
With my arms held a few inches away from my body I must have
looked majestic—King Neptune returning home. The passion of the
moment was so extreme that I could almost hear a movie soundtrack
playing dramatically in the background. I thought of Jim Morrison
singing, “This is the end, beautiful friend, This is the end, my only
friend, the end,” and abruptly remembered that when Yippee left us
he bellowed, “good-bye beautiful friends” before disappearing
forever. That was the end. This is the end. That was his escape, his
avenue. His end.
I yelled into the vast body of water in front of me, “Yippee, my
only friend, the end, I’m coming to join you!” and ran out into the
pounding waves.
I swam far out into the sea until I could swim no farther. Then,
I lay on my back and floated. It would be a few minutes and then I
would pass out, drown, and it would be over. I looked towards the
shore, and it was really far away. You did a good job, Rippy. A good
job.
A few minutes passed and I could feel my eyelids getting heavy.
This was it. I took a deep breath, exhaled and took a last look at the
stars before I would sail off into uncharted territories.
I felt calm, peaceful, ready to die. The waves lapped my face and
began to lull me asleep. Once my heart stopped beating so rapidly, I
would verily slip into dreamland, and then the grand Utopia of the
void. But what if there wasa God, I suddenly thought frantically,
what if I wasgoing to hell? Oh, too late to worry about that, now. Just
try to relax—you’re tingling all over and your heart is pounding. Calm
down, Jake. Let the warm waters claim you.
I started to shake all over. What was happening to me? God, all
of a sudden I felt as if I was going to die. Well, I wasgoing to die, but
this was different—my heart was trying to break out of its ribcage jail,
and my legs were shaking like Jello in a bad neighborhood. I was
actually sweating in the water. Something was definitely wrong. Was
my body was vetoing the whole suicide thing? Maybe it was one of
those survival mechanisms I learned about in Biology. Maybe,
maybe, maybe, maybe. On fire with nervous energy, I began to splash
around angrily in the waves. It was as if there was an electric plug up
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
62
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