Jewish religion,” he said excitedly.
“What other elements do you employ?” I asked curiously.
“Primarily Buddhist.” I began to see what he was leading to. It
seemed unfeasible, but I took a stab.
“Jewish Buddhists? Juddhists? Is that what you guys are all
about?” I probed incredulously.
“Yes, basically. Our constituency is largely people who were
born Judeo-Christian and then discovered Lord Buddha later in life,
but didn’t want to give up their original heritage. The only solution
was to combine the two into one glorious whole! You simply have to
come to our meditation session and see what its all about. We have a
free vegetarian meal to die for, and even a little Jewish wine.
Incidentally, do you know what the most famous Juddhish wine is?”
“No.” I braced myself.
“But I want to transcend my earthly concerns now!”
He laughed with such a high pitched, nasal whine that I couldn’t
help but laugh too. For a total idiot he seemed like a nice enough guy,
so I asked him to expound on the nature and doctrine of the Juddhist
people. The entire time we spoke, Hugo only stared in silent disbelief
at the young missionary, whose adopted name turned out to be Irving
Lama. Lama, he explained, meant ‘superior’ in Tibetan.
He expounded: “Jewish culture is based on the idea that at
sometime in the future a messiah will come and deliver the Jews to
paradise. They think that they’re the chosen ones. Now, Buddhism is
opposed to that, basing its doctrine on the idea that with enough
work, anyone can be a Buddha. What we’ve done, is juxtapose these
two ideas into the following beautiful philosophy: everyone can
become their own messiah. Everyone is a messiah waiting to happen.
We are therefore, each and every one of us our own savior, and we
must do what we have to do in order to insure our transcendence, as
our great lord Judas did when he betrayed…”
“Wait a minute,” I stopped him. I tried to piece this together:
Jewish—Judas—Juddhist—Buddhist, a puffed-up and perverted
etymological coincidence. I said, “You don’t mean to tell me that you
have chosen as your exalted the most infamous traitor, liar and cheat
of all time?”
“He was only looking out for number one.”
“He was a dickhead.”
“He took matters into his own hands. Not like those wimpy yes-
men apostles. And in looking out for himself, he helped start
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
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