“Very good. Next please.”
“Uh, hi. My name is Mitch and I come from New Zealand. I
came here because I thought my previous religion was kind of strict
and demanding, and I wanted to find a faith that could offer me a
little more personal freedom.”
“That’s very interesting, Mitch. What was your previous
religion?”
“I’m not sure. Some kind of Christianity.”
“Thank you, Mitch. Next please.”
“My name is Tina, and I’m from Oregon. And like…I mean, this
place has great energy.”
“Thank you Tina, we’re glad you feel that way. We try to provide
only the best energy we can. Next.”
It was my turn. “Uh, hi,” I said. “My name is Shlomo Oromo
from Alaska and I came here from another life to try and help my
previous self find the right path. I’m really into anything that’s exotic
and also won’t hurt the environment.”
“Thank you Shlomo. That’s very interesting. We’re glad to have
you.”
“Right on! I’m psyched to be here,” I said, nodding
rhythmatically.
“Well, that’s all of our new friends, so now its time to get started.
We will sit in this position and breathe in unison. On the inhale I
want you all to chant, ‘Baruch hata adonai’ and on the exhale to chant
‘aval gam ani niflah’ That’s Hebrew for ‘God is great, but I’m not so
bad myself.’ Okay? Lets get started…”
We sat for what seemed like an eternity chanting the same
stupid words over and over again, until I thought I was going to
hyperventilate and pass out. After it was over, I felt surprisingly
relaxed though, but I just attributed it to extreme boredom.
Just as I had decided to skip out early, the ordinary-looking guy
announced that the leader of the Juddhist movement on Samrin and
hence, the world, was there to make an announcement before they
served the free vegetarian meal. I was in the process of bending over
and putting on my shoes when the mighty leader walked in to the
room.
Then I fell over in a heap onto the floor.
Even though he had shaved his head and was wearing a blue robe, he
was still eminently recognizable in any crowd. Through what must
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
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