guy and said “Bobby, I’m just going outside for a minute, you can
manage without me?”
“Of course Ozzy Lama,” the ordinary-looking guy said, bowing.
When we got outside, I expected the little rugrat to be furious
with me, but he turned around cautiously and slowly cracked a
nefarious grin.
“Can you believe it? Can you fuckingbelieve it? This is better
than I ever imagined! Give me a year and I’ll be publishing a line of
new age books with pictures of suns coming through the clouds on
the covers! I’m going to make a bloody fortune! Not to mention the
fact that all those girls want to see what’s under this stupid robe. I’m
a hit! For the first time in my life I’m a hit!”
“You’re a vampire,” I corrected him.
“So I’m a vampire. But I’m great at it. I just need to learn a bit
more so I can learn how to make the jump from small-time icon to
all-powerful guru, and then—immortality is mine!”
“I guess you’re not going to Japan to teach English now.”
“Fuck that. I’m making more money just making one-minute
appearances at the temple every week.”
“What do you do with the rest of your time?”
“Screw, mostly.”
“I see. Oscar, don’t you feel a little ashamed that you’re taking
advantage of these poor kids like this?”
“Sure. There’s a down side. But that’s what they want, right? So
I’m giving them what they want, and I’m getting what I want.
Everyone’s happy. Hey, Jake you want to get in on it with me? I could
make you a high priest or rabbi lama or something.”
“No way, man,” I said, crossing my arms. “Hey, and what’s this
shit about worshipping Judas? Are you completely nuts?”
“Oh, that. I threw it in at the last minute, sort of an eleventh
hour inspiration. I figured we had to have some sort of idol. It’s easy
for the kids to remember—you know, Juddhists, Judas—it sounds the
same. It’s a good mnemonic.”
“But it’s nonsense!”
“So it’s nonsense. They love it! And Jake, you have to admit it’s
not much more nonsensical than half the religions already out there
today. At least this one is easy to understand. It embodies everything
today’s generation wants—sensationalism, self-centeredness and
simplicity! And they all loveme! Am I a fucking genius or what?
“Hitler was a genius.”
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
106
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