Oliver Benjamin
have been a very bizarre set of circumstances, my friend Oscar
Turnbull was now apparently the almighty leader of the fledgling
world Juddhist movement. He stood, looking stately and radiating
that aura of supreme confidence, while romancing vapid and
beaming smiles from his modest constituency. I imagined the new
people must have thought he was kind of funny-looking to be a world
leader of anything.
“Friends. My friends,” he started, “Let me welcome you all on
this evening of good fortune and happiness to the beginnings of an
idea whose time has come. We promise to all those of you who join
us, the path to happiness and self-worth, which we believe can only
come from placing yourself on the highest of pedestals, yet not
holding yourself responsible for anything particularly difficult.
“Rest assured friends, my friends, that by joining us in our
infancy we can promise you the most prestigious levels of signficance
in a few years time when we will be a dominant world philosophy.
You will be cornerstones upon which that philosophy is built. Please
friends, my friends, eat tonight to your hearts content. Our home is
your home, after all. We love you very much. And should you desire
to contribute to our flyer-printing and publicity fund, friends, my
friends, we would be most appreciative and for every penny you
donate to the fund, we will contribute one from the organization.
Thank you again, friends, my friends, and remember—Ozzy Lama
loves you like a mama.”
The exalted Ozzy Lama had spoken, and everyone clapped
eagerly with damp eyes. Many stood up and stuffed their pocket
money into the donation box. I assumed correctly that since these
donations were the only source of income for the organization, what
Oscar was really planning to do was essentially match every penny
that they donated to the box with every penny that they donated to
the box. I sauntered over to him.
“Hello Mr. Lama, I’ve heard great things about your
organization and I really wanted to meet you. My name is Shlomo
Oromo and I really need some spiritual enlightenment, pronto.” I
affected a thoughtful look. “Say, you look like a guy I know…do you
have a brother with more hair that went out to Patpong road and lost
a whole bunch of money when this hooker…”
“Very nice to meet you Mr. Oromo,” he interrupted me. “Why
don’t we go outside and look at the constellations. I think the Big
Dipper is aligned with Uranus.” He wheeled to the ordinary looking
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