It sounded like the consolation prize you get after you come in
last on a T.V. game show. A year’s supply of dog food. Water Park
tickets. Floor wax.
“But goddamn it Charly, I…I love you!” I felt electric with
purpose, and free of fear. “I can’t just stand by and watch you take
people like Dirk Steele to your sorority parties! I can’t sleep at night
knowing the pillow I’m clutching is only a poor substitute for you!
How do you expect me to be friends with you when all that word
makes me think of is what I don’t have rather than what I do? I can’t
do it Charly, I…I can’t…I can’t be just your friend anymore…”
Turning whine into water, a tear welled up in my eye.
She looked puzzled and hurt. After a heavy pause she sighed.
“Okay, Jake…” she started slowly, “Then we’re not friends.” She hung
her head and began to walk out the door.
“Wait! Um, I don’t know if I really meant it like that…”
She stopped and turned back towards me. “What did you mean
then? Were you trying to blackmail me into being your girlfriend? Is
that what you were trying to do?”
“I had no choice, it was my last resort. I…I’m sorry, Charly.”
Irritating memories of childhood taunts and tuna commercials
delayed her reaction. Then she crossed her arms and said, “And since
that was your last resort, does that mean you’re going to stop it now?”
“Yeah, O.K.”
She smiled a sly, relieved smile. Her voice was gentle. “Then will
you please come over here and give me a hug?”
I held her and wondered why my first stab at feeling strongly
about something, speaking honestly, and admiring worthiness had
been blown to smithereens by the very person that taught me those
qualities. I took refuge in my old, familiar cynicism.
Then, the following weekend, we ended up at Red Henderson’s
graduation party together. It was fully catered with an open bar, but
I was miserable. I had a dentist appointment the next morning, and
wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything for twelve hours prior to
seeing him. The gargantuan cocktail shrimp mocked me, the prime
rib taunted me, and the port wine wept silently over my betrayal.
Charly seemed to be eating and drinking for the two of us. But I liked
to watch her masticate.
I remember I was standing in the garden outside looking down
at the lights of the city trying to find the tiny red speck in the distance
that could have been my front porch light. I felt two arms wrap
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
14
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