“Hmm…I don’t know, there seem to be so many interesting
ones. I think ‘So You Want To Be a Spiritual Leader?’ is a definite
must, and ‘Get in Touch With Your Sex’ sounds catchy. But I can’t
decide between ‘Introduction to Telepathy’ and ‘Simple Miracles for
Would-Be Prophets.’ There’s just so much to learn and so little time
to do it in. What about you, oh brave condor of the spirit? Have you
picked any winners?”
“I haven’t decided yet, but maybe “Developing a System of
Values” or “Drug Testing.”
“Drug Testing?” he asked curiously.
“Yeah, you get to test different drugs and see which ones you
like.”
“All right! Sign me up.”
“Thought you’d like that. Hey, so what’s the deal—we all have to
complete this Victims of Modern CivilizationGroup Therapy session
before we can take any other electives? How long is that one for?”
“I think its a full month. Supposedly its to help us unload any
emotional baggage we’re carrying. Whatever. I guess it can’t hurt but
I wish I could get into the Guruology and Drug Testing right away.”
“Well, you know what they say about good things and those who
wait.”
“Yeah, except that if I wait too long, my congregation is liable to
take off and latch onto some other lunatic in a dress.”
We proceeded to the auditorium, a monster of a room,
decorated everywhere with colorful vegetation and flowers, and
boasting enormous invisible windows that provided the audience
with the notion that they were in fact listening to a lecture in the
wilderness given by an ancient pagan god. Only this wilderness was
pleasantly air-conditioned.
The crowd silently anticipated the arrival of the Omniraja,
nearly everyone sitting in a cross-legged or lotus position and
meditating with their eyes closed. Oscar and I were breaking with
custom and playing a heated game of rock, paper, scissors. I had just
smashed three pairs of his scissors with my rock when we became
aware of a massive, collective breath drawn in by the crowd, signaling
the imminent approach of the Master. Hypnotic music swelled from
the speaker system, and as he walked out onto the stage, the crowd
applauded tearfully, as if they hadn’t seen him for months. A few
disciples lay kneeling on the ground in deference to the shaggy
magnetic figure. When he finally spoke, his voice was so unusual that
BIG AMERICAN BREAKFAST
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